I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
