You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
