found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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