The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
