i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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