My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
