i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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