so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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