Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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