she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
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we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
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If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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