I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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