She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
