stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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