he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
