apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dating After Heartbreak
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?