In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
