i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
