The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
