I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
