i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
