you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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