Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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