Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
