mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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