I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
