I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
