What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
