I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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