I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
