I am in a vortex of obligation.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
