Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
