sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
