i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
