"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?