I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
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He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
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Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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