I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
