C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Holy shit dude........stairs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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