pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
