You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
should my penis look like a turkey
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You were trust falling into bushes
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
