I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
