i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
