I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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