i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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