you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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