I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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