i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
