i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
