i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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