I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
