If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
