Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
