You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
