Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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