please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He passed out mid-signature
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
